Must Be Santa

I still remember that Christmas Eve when I actually heard Santa Claus land on our roof.  There's no doubt in my mind that it was him, because my brother also heard the clippity-clop of hooves and the jingling bells.  Of course, just to be sure, one of us needed to come up with a plan.

Hmm... just in case we get caught, we needed to have an excuse.  "I've got it," I whispered to my little brother, "if I get caught, I tell Dad that I had to pee!  And then I'll just run for the bathroom and pretend that I forgot what night it is."

He had to believe that, right?  I mean lots of kids have to take a bathroom break at 12:30 at night.  And I considered myself a pretty good actor, so this would be a breeze.

So I slowly crawled out of bed, tiptoed to my bedroom door, and turned the knob like I was defusing a bomb.  I got it open without making a noise!  What a knack I had for opening doors.  I was so proud.

As I crept out into the hallway, I noticed my parents' door open just wide enough that they would be able to see me if I passed by.  They were sneaky that way.  How would I get by without being detected?  Would this be the time to put my wall-climbing skills to the test?  No.  My brothers and I had learned long ago that our dad had some sort of super hearing; in fact, Dad could hear what we were going to do before we thought about doing it.

No, wall-climbing was out.  There was only one way I was going to get by that door.  I would wait for one of my dad's supersonic snores, and then run like my left depended on it.

And there it was.  The snore that could cause an avalanche.

I made it!  Undetected!  Free to spy on Santa without fear of being caught in the act by Dad... or Mom... or... or... wait a minute.  What if... what if the jolly old elf himself sees me spying on him?  I had no plan for that.  What if old St. Nick sees me and decides to take everything back and head back to the North Pole?  Leaving us with nothing but memories of a bad kid who gave in to temptation.

 Abort operation!  Abort now!

Forgetting about Dad's bionic ears, I quickly ran for my bedroom door -- but it was too late.  There he was, standing at the end of the hall, with "that look."  Dad didn't have to say anything when he caught us up to no good.  "That look" spoke loud and clear.  I trembled to the point that I felt like I was going to pee myself.

That's when I remembered "the plan!"

Pretending to be half-asleep I said, "Oh, hi Dad... I just had to use the bathroom."  And then I produced the dumbest, worst fake yawn in history.  Dad growled, and turned and went back to bed.  That was a close call.

As I crawled back into bed, my brother asked what I saw.  Of course, I told him that Santa just waved, twitched his nose, and headed back to the roof.

My brother replied, "Yeah... I think I heard him up there again."

Yup, he sure did.

Merry Christmas to all... and to all a very good 2009!

December 15, 2008                                     Audio Blog--> 

Damn the Naysayers, Full Speed Ahead!

When I was a kid, I loved to draw.  You could hand me a piece of paper and a pen, and I would be out of your hair for an hour.  My favorite thing to draw was comic strip characters, and I would often dream of someday drawing animated characters.  Maybe I would be the next Charles Shulz or Tex Avery. I even created a character named Oggy.  Oggy was a caveman with hair down to his toes, and he just happened to live in our time (by the way, this was long before Geico's caveman ever existed).

I never followed my dream of being a cartoonist.  I'm not exactly sure why, but it might have had something to do with my elementary school art teacher, Mrs. Hanshaw.  One day, Mrs. Hanshaw gave us an assignment that involved drawing people as we see them.  You might have guessed this, but I drew people that looked like cartoon characters - exaggerated noses, eyes, mouths... the works.  Mrs. Hanshaw picked up my drawing, scowled, put it back down, and said, "This isn't right. It looks like a cartoon. Do it again."

I was crushed.

My son, Ryan, has a dream of being a novelist.  He has been working on his first story for quite some time.  As he writes, Ryan tests his latest work on friends, family and people on the Internet.  A few days ago, Ryan received the following critique from one reader: "Keep your day job."

Fortunately, Ryan was able to pick himself up, lick his wounds, and move on.  It's not the first time that he had been told that he will never make it in the world of novel writing.  But he knows how to turn those negatives into inspiration.

The subject of naysayers came up again the other day as I watched a documentary about the life of actor Don Knotts.  You might recognize Don the most for his role as the legendary Deputy Barney Fife in the 1960s TV sitcom The Andy Griffith Show.  When Don was a young man, he left his hometown of Morgantown, West Viriginia, to pursue his dream of being a character actor.  Off he went to New York City to climb the ladder to stardom; however, the New York City naysayers told Don that he did not have what it takes.  So feeling dejected and rejected, Don went back to Morgantown.

Of course, Don Knotts' dream did not end there.  He went on to win several Emmys and star in a long list of movies and TV shows.  The naysayers were wrong.

I wonder how many successful people thumbed their nose at the nasty naysayers before they achieved their dream.  How many laughed in the face of negativity?

While I never became a cartoonist, I did learn from the experience.  I learned that if you take the naysayers too seriously, you might find yourself sitting next to them on the bench... watching the game instead of playing it.

My game is not over. How about yours?

December 8, 2008                                      Audio Blog--> 

Random Acts of Kindness

The other day I read an article that discussed how rude people are during this festive time of year.  What a gloomy article it was, too.  The author wrote about people who have less patience than usual, increased rudeness in shopping centers, weenies behind the wheel, and the dreaded blank stare when you say hello to a stranger!

Oh, for crying out loud.

Let's do a reality check, okay?  During the rest of the year, nobody is rude, right?  Nobody. Nobody cuts you off in traffic. Nobody blocks the aisle at the grocery store and ignores you. Nobody lets the door close in your face.

Oh, that nasty Nobody.

Let's face it. You find what you look for. And when you're feeling crabby, you catch a lot of crabs.

Here's a novel thought: Look for the good.  I'll bet you find it!

If you think you can't find it, how about using some bait?  Exercise "Random Acts of Kindness."  Now, you might be thinking, "What kind of namby-pamby kind of crap is that?"  Don't panic.  I'm not asking you to feed the world.  All I'm asking you to do is "inspire kindness."

Next time you get cut off in traffic, smile.  Next time somebody blocks your path in a grocery store aisle, try saying, "Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but may I pass through?"  Next time you're entering a building, stop, look behind you, and hold the door for that guy who is running up behind you.  Next time you pass that stranger with the frown, smile at them and say, "Hi, how are you?"

"But," you ask, "what do I have to gain from all of that?"

At the very least, you'll get a laugh out of the looks on the other person's face when they experience "Random Acts of Kindness."

At the most, you won't have to read an article about how rude people are during the holidays.

December 1, 2008                                      Audio Blog-->

More Fun Than a Human Being Should Be Allowed to Have With His Clothes On

Over 20-years ago, that used to be my catch phrase on my radio show. And, on more than one occasion, I got a letter or phone call from an old prude who didn't think it was "a very nice thing to say."

But that phrase really fits how Autumn of 2008 has been going. In fact, I've been busy having so much fun that I've barely had time to take off my clothes anyway!

Here's the rundown and a few shameless self-promoting plugs:

Recently, I completed my parts in two more video games, and one of them is online at several game sites.  You can download your copy of ”The Mushroom Age” HERE. In that one, I play Tom, the guy the main character (who is your role in the game) is searching for; I also play a silly robot and a wise-cracking alien!